Golden Showers bring Mayflowers

The first group of colonists came to what is now the United States in an attempt to escape religious persecution. History books tell of strict puritanical sects of Protestants whose beliefs strayed from the religious ideals of the Anglican Church. One group of early settlers is often neglected in the textbooks used by the American education system. These people were known as "Porkists," named after their leader, Talthybias Pork. He and his followers believed in the healing power of sexual defilement. They saw the act of sexual abuse as a way to demonstrate their subservience to the Lord. Their Christmas and Easter festivals often included ritual gang rape and a selection of uplifting hymns. The idea was that, while you may be brutally invaded on Earth, your Heavenly Savior would never rape you. You could be a faithful Christian if you knew that your steadfastness would lead to a promise of an everlasting rape-free existence after your death. It was in this spirit that Talthybias Pork came up with an alternative to saying the traditional "Our Father" and "Hail Mary" prayers as a penance for sin. Instead of what he deemed an "arbirary means of atonement," Pork had his followers confess their sins publicly, then lie down to receive "the unholy communion," which would eventually become known as the "golden shower." Porkists would line up on Sunday mornings, walk to the altar, and shout out their various sins. Porkists would admit offenses such as, "I coveted my neighbor's crop," or, "I cheated on my income tax," and shortly after their sins would be absolved as urine would flow onto their faces from the urethra of a heavily hydrated Penelope Pork, the only daughter of Talthybias and his wife Vera.

Due to cultural taboos, the Porkists had to move their worship services underground and they soon disappeared from the public eye altogether. Talthybias and his family were eventually burned at the stake for "crimes unbecoming good Christians." It was believed that the Porkists had gone "the way of the dodo," until recently when information surfaced on the internet implying that this branch of the Protestant faith is alive and well. The practice of the "golden shower" has even had an impact among certain secular groups who seek to be urinated on not as a means of atonement, but as one of pleasure. Still, the practice of willingly being drenched in urine remains a cultural taboo, and it is doubtful that the concept will ever fully infiltrate the mainstream. Pun intended.