One week ago today, Hugh Hefner's penis detached itself from his body and left the Playboy Mansion. It's current whereabouts are unknown. Just before exiting the home of the men's magazine mogul, witnesses claim the overworked piece of genatalia turned to Hugh and uttered the following:
"I quit. Seriously man, you haven't given me a day off in, like, sixty years. Fuck you, I'm retired."
In the week since Hugh began his penisless existence, the Playboy Corporation claims he has taken up needlepoint and Mahjong. Mr. Hefner also claims to have a new found appreciation for "The View" on ABC. As for the location of his penis, Mr Hefner says that he could care less.
"I feel like I've wasted most of my life having sex with extremely beautiful women. When you add it up, I've literally spent years of my life inside of various vaginas. I'm through with that. Now, I want to learn how to bake."
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