Down With Trees

You know what, FUCK THE ENVIRONMENT! I'm serious. You wanna hug a tree? Call Doc Brown and arrange a trip in the DeLorean and go back to the sixties where you belong! Ya fuckin' hippie! What do we need trees for? Seriously. Okay, they make oxygen. So what. I'm not impressed. We can make our own oxygen. I've seen the shit. They put it in tanks. My grandma was hooked up to oxygen when she was in the hospital. Did they strap a tree to my grandmother's face? I don't think so. That shit came straight out of a tank. Man-made. And I know you're gonna say that we need trees to build houses. Who the Hell are you, Abraham Lincoln? You never heard of bricks? And paper comes from trees, but we don't need that shit anymore thanks to the inventions of the Visa Check Card and the internet. I say we chop 'em all down except for the bonzai trees. And that's only because they're movie stars. They played a kick ass role in the Karate Kid movies. Besides, they're too small to chop down. You'd hurt your back with all that bending over. And you would need tiny axes. So, unless you find some leprechauns with tiny axes, the bonzai trees can stay.

And what the fuck is this global warming bullshit? Where were you last winter? Did you go swimming on Christmas? Work on your tan on New Years Day? I'll tell you where I was. I was freezin' my ass off waitin' for a tow truck because my Buick Skylark slid off the road and into a ditch. And you know what made my car slide? It sure as shit wasn't boiling water. No, it was "black ice." And I'm not being racist, that's what they call it. The globe didn't feel too warm to me on that frosty night, so you can take your global warming and stick it up your tree huggin', Al Gore-lovin' ass!